last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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