If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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