so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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