I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize