Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
