no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
