my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
