Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
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She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
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You pole danced in your parka.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs