Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
birth control should be required to get into college
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
