i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
