Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
