It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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