allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Is it because I queefed?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
