a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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