I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
