oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
