Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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