I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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