My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
