btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
