dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
