'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
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He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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