My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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