I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize