Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
