the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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