Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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