I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
there's paper in my vomit.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
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He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
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