i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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