how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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