Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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