I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
