this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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