I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Randomize