My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
