I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
