I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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