I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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