Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
