She announced her abortion via fbk
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
