My liver just broke up with me...
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
