belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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