your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
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I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
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Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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