he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
