I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
3pm strippers are depressing
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
