Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
