So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
