True but thats because hes a fetus.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
