I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
