Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Randomize
