FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
