A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
