I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
