mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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