i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
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Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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